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A man goes to his Doctors as he thinks he may have swine flu.
After the usual tests the Doc tells him "Well, the good news is you haven't got swine flu but the bad news is you're the first known case in the UK of a new virus sweeping China known as Yellow 24".
The Doc continues - "Unfortunately it's not just a 24 hour bug, it actually gives you less than 24 hours to live, so go home and do as many of the things you always wanted to in the time you've got left and enjoy you're last day".
The man is devastated and goes home to tell the Wife.
Coming to terms with his fate he suggests they do something special that night as it will be their last chance. "I know" she says, "Why don't you come to the bingo with me - you've never done that before - and at least we'll be doing something together".
He agrees and a while later is settled down with dabber in hand as the game begins.
During the first half of the night he gets a few sweats but doesn't win but in the Snowball shouts out as he has 4 corners and wins �30.
The game continues and he gets a single line - another �50.
Going on he gets two lines and another �100.
The Caller presses on for the full house and the man shouts Bingo! Another �300! The Manager calls him up on stage and says that in all his years he's never known anyone to win 4 times on the one card and unbelievably that game was also 'The National' so he was delighted to tell him he had scooped the top prize of �180,000 too.
"You must be the luckiest man alive" says the Manager.
"Lucky! replied the man,"Lucky!! "I've got Yellow 24"
The Manager turned to the audience and says - "Well F**K me! He's only won the raffle as well.......

I HEARD recently that on average, David Cameron receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
WHAT A lot of nonsense this tantric sex is. So Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. That's nothing. I've been doing it with the Mrs for 20 years and she's not had an orgasm yet.

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Paddy goes to see his wife in the delivery suite, to be told he is now the father of triplets.

"God luv us, how did that happen?"

His wife replied," Remember when we couldn't find the vaseline and used 3 in 1 oil?

Paddys said " Beezajus thank the lord we didn;t use WD40 !!
 

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they 2 decide to go to the doctors to find out why. After a number of tests the doctor suggests paddys wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan, and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex, after 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggests a swap "i,ll do it and you waft the towel" says his friend. Paddy agree,s and within seconds she,s screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns slowly to his friend and says proudly........."Now THAT, my old son, is how you waft a towel"

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Paddy tells Mick"my wife just had twins" Mick says "great,who do they look like?" Paddy says "EACH OTHER"

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Just bought a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western (Wailing) Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.

What's your name? Morris Fishbien, he replied.

Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?

For about 60 years.

60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

Like I'm talking to a Fcukin brick wall.......!
 
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