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and to start it here are a couple.

Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem, doctor says, can you describe the symptoms?

Man says, Yes I can, Homer's a fat yellow man and Marge has blue hair...........


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A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farmand I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new bicycle, but gets the same excuse : "as soon as that tractor is paid for . . ."
A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that ? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that !"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says,"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for! "


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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150..



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A man makes his first solo parachute-dive. He was told by the instructor, to pull his chord at 1500 meters. If things did not work, he had to pull the other chord for hir spare. Well, he jumped from the plane at 2000 meters. 1800, 1600, 1500 PULL! Nothing happened. 1400, 1200, 1000 meters: PULL!! Nothing happened again! What to do? Panic!! Ahhhhh.... he saw a man coming up towards him! Almost near him, he screemed: Hey you, know anything about chutes?
The man schouted back, No, no, but what do you know about gas-stoves.....
 

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Scottie said:
and to start it here are a couple.

Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem, doctor says, can you describe the symptoms?

Man says, Yes I can, Homer's a fat yellow man and Marge has blue hair...........


************************
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farmand I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new bicycle, but gets the same excuse : "as soon as that tractor is paid for . . ."
A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that ? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that !"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says,"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for! "


********************************

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150..
Had me in tears this one Scottie :lol:



**************************
 

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A Man takes parachute diving lessons, It's time for the first jump with the instructor.
They are falling together. At 1000meters. The student asks: Can i pull the cord now?
Instructor: Not yet, you sissy!
At 500m
Student: Can i pull the cord now?
Instructor: Not yet.
At 100m
Student: Can i pull the cord NOW?
Instructor: NOT YET!

Suddenly the the student says: Look, the people down there looks small like ants.
Instructor: You stupid, they are Ants, PULL THE CORD!!.

______________________________________________________________________________

I hope it is clean

A rabbit jells on top a hill: All wolfs are ********* all wolfs are ***********
A bear comes by and talk to the rabbit: What are you jelling here, loo at your self, soo young and small. Even got a milky mustage(Translated directly from Estonian-Piimavunts, Piim-milk, vunts-mustage. Piimavunts- A young boys first mustage in estonian)
The rabbit says: That is not milk, that is .... em..that is ..... ALL WOLFS ARE ***********!
 
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